More and more people stay home for work and study to maintain social distancing due to the worsening of the 5th wave of the pandemic. Given all the restrictions in social distancing, it is less likely that we could meet our family members or friends for gatherings. Even though it is very convenient for us to send text messages or connect with our loved ones through video calls, many of us may find the connection is different. One client of mine felt very lonely during work form home despite the fact that he had many online meetings with many colleagues and clients throughout the day. He described given the advanced technology in online communication through social media, texting, or video calls, staying home alone without in-person conversations seemed being confined in an underground bomb shelter alone only depending on technological communication. Why does he feel so lonely even with online communication with others? How could we improve our connections with others through online channels while we are staying home for social distancing or quarantine?
It is beyond dispute that in-person conversation makes us feel connected more than online communication. However, it is also possible that we cannot feel the connection with others in in-person gatherings. One of the factors contributing to our feeling of being connected with others is the ability to attune to each other between the two parties in a conversation. If we could attune to others in conversation, we are being aware of our own state of mind and body while also tuning into the state of mind and body of the other party. While tuning to our own state, we are also being able to stay tune to our partner’s verbal and nonverbal language, affect, and rhythms. Being able to attune to others in conversation requires mindfulness, presence, empathic listening and cognitive understanding. It is the symphony of these elements for us to be in sync with the other party in the conversation.
When we try to pay attention to both of our internal and external environment in conversation, we can cultivate attunement in our connections with others. Since texting, emails, phone or video calls restrict our ability to attune to the state of mind and body of the other party, attunement is more difficult and less effective. In fact, it is common for us to misinterpret or misattune to the other party when we communicate with them through texting or emails. When we communicate with our family, friends or colleagues through phone or video calls, we can still use the limited external cues to try to attune to their emotional state and thoughts.
For instance, we can attune to our friend’s anxiety when he or she tells us that it is possible for him or her to be laid off due to the economical downturn related to the pandemic in a video calls. We can be aware of his or her tone of voice, body language, and facial expression while we are talking to him or her. In this interaction, we may also feel anxious inside ourselves as this reminds us of our worry about our employment status during the pandemic. It is completely normal to have this type of experience and we may stay in our conscious awareness of our own emotional state in the conversation. If we are being able to observe our own state of mind and body at the same time while we are listening to our friend, we can regulate our own emotional state. In this way, we can stay tune into our connection with our friend despite the topic of the conversation causing both anxiety.
When we can attune to others in communication, we feel more connected. It is this attunement that makes our interaction with others enjoyable and fulfilling. With mindfulness and empathic listening, we can still attune to others in phone and video calls during social distancing and quarantine. Of course, we all look forward to the in-person connections with our family, friends and colleagues after the 5th wave of the pandemic. Let’s practice attunement during this period and we can enjoy being in sync with others more in the future.
