A client of mine was griefing the sudden death of her close friend. Since this close friend was a connection from her business, she had no close contact with this friend’s other relatives and friends. As a result, she only knew about this from other business contacts and could not complete the closure by attending the funeral of this close friend. She could only mourning herself and felt no one truly understand her feelings towards the sudden death of this close friend. With the norm of valuing stoicism, this client went to work as usual and acted as if she had no negative emotions related to this loss. She kept herself very busy for work schedule and also attended a lot of social networking events. She thought this strategy of distraction was the best way to get through the grief. However, she came to therapy two years after the death of this close friend and still cried intensely while she talked about her. In fact, this defensive measure of my client actually hindered the griefing process and might prolonged the bereavement.
Sometimes, aloneness is necessary for us to grief about our loss. For my client who had such a private close relationship with this close friend, much of the intimate encounter between my client and this friend was not shared with others. As a result, the process of mourning is necessarily private. It has to be done in aloneness for all the reminiscence and mental process to take place. Through reminiscence and reflection alone, the person who is undergoing the grief process can gradually take different perspectives. My client may not form new close relationships with her business contacts in the future. She may realise that life is not entirely depending upon close relationships. She may gradually find meaning apart from forming close relationships. Besides, she may also treasure her other close relationships more due to her realisation of the impermanence in life.
When a person undergoing bereavement, engaging in daily normal activities or in social encounters may hinder his or her process of change in relation to the reminiscence and reflection. For instance, it is common for people to go for a trip alone abroad after the death of a loved one in order to escape from the routine of ordinary day-to-day existence. Isolation or being alone by going for a trip may facilitate the gaining of insights out of the loss of a loved one. In fact, staying away from our habitual environment actually enhance our self-understanding and promote our inner exploration. Of course, it is also necessary for a person to strive a balance between seeking aloneness and being with ones’ social networks. During bereavement, the person may alternately engage in solitary and social activities in order to obtain a balance between self exploration, self reflection and obtaining enough social support.
The intensity of engaging oneself in aloneness depends on one’s personality makeup. Some people can engage in solitary activities for a long period, such as a one-month silent retreat. On the contrary, some people can only tolerate being in aloneness for half an hour a day at maximum. There is no standard for the necessary duration of being in aloneness for everyone. For those who are undergoing bereavement, being alone may be one of the option for ones to go through the mourning process.
