We all experience the pulling force of our desire in our lives, from delicious food to extraordinary acheivement. In our daily lives, the craving for more “likes” in our social media posting is a good example of our nature in desiring to be approved and appreciated. One of my clients tended to harshly criticize her suddenly arising desire to buy a designer handbag. She told me that she could not control herself from researching different designer handbags in recent two weeks. Whenever she had free time, she would scroll her phone and search for information about those products. In recent few days, she found her dreamed handbag and could not stop herself from thinking about it. On the other hand, she kept criticizing herself for having such a desire. In her mind, she tried very hard to suppress her desire throughout the day. She felt so restless as she labelled herself as materialistic. Due to her non-acceptance of her desire, she put a lot of effort in delaying the buying behavior. However, the more she tried to suppress her desire, the harder she could resist her urge to buy it. Is it really that bad to have such a desire to buy a designer handbag?
As human beings, it is natural for us to have desire to be happy, healthy and satisfying. According to Abraham Maslow, a psychologist famous for a hierachy of needs model, we all need food, sex, security, recognition, and self-actualization. These needs are important for our happiness, satisfaction and survival. In Buddhist saying, it is not our desire causing our sufferings. It is our non-acceptance of the impermanence of what we get after we strive for our desire causes our sufferings. For instance, a man may choose not to have a relationship due to his fear of suffering that the relationship may end and he could get hurt. He thought that it is the desire of intimate relationship that causing the sufferings. As a result, he chose to suppress such a desire. In fact, if he could see in a broader perspective, his desire to have an intimate relationship may bring him happiness and meaningful life. There is many positive aspects of having a desire to have an intimate relationship. The underlying cause of the possible sufferings for having a relationship is our clinging and non-acceptance of impermanence. It is our fear of losing due to our illusion that we could possess anything permanently.
How could we still be peaceful when we are experiencing a desire for something? It is important for us to accept the fact that we all have desires and it is natural and normal. Without trying to suppress the desire, we could learn to observe our desire and not to let it possess us. For example, the client of mine who had a desire to buy a designer handbag could try to observe her urge and restless mind during searching for suitable products. She might be able to be aware of the come and go of her desire during the day. She could observe her urge as if she was surfing with the desire. She could be more curious about the deep needs underlying this desire. With reflection, she might realise that this sudden arising desire might be related to her recent encounter with an ex-colleague whom she admired. The important point here is not the outcome of whether she finally decided to buy or not buy. It is her acceptance of being human and be able to observe her inner self.
We need to understand that there are both positive and negative aspects of having desire. With this understanding, we may be able to learn to take our action flexibly and with self-awareness.
