A client of mine tended to feel very insecure in her relationship with her boyfriend and close friends. Whenever her boyfriend delayed in replying her text messages, she would preccupied with worries about him being with another girl or being less loving towards her. After sending her boyfriend a text message, she would check her phone frequently to see whether her boyfriend was online but did not reply her message. She would feel very uncomfortable if her boyfriend had read her message, but did not reply to her. Because of this, she had lots of conflicts with her boyfriend regarding her misinterpretation of boyfriend ignoring or neglecting her. Sometimes, when her boyfriend failed to answer her phone calls, she would called him many many times until he answered the phone. In fact, she would also worry about similar issues if her close friends did not reply her text messages promptly. In the therapy, we discussed that she had preoccupied attachment style in relationship.
Another client of mine tended to avoid close relationships with others throughout his life. Even though he had a desperate need for closeness and acceptance from others, he felt fearful at being rejected by others. Since he was a competent professionals and a helpful and gentle man, many people were willing to develop friendships or relationships with him. However, he tended to turn down many opportunities for getting closer to his acquaintances. When some female friends tried to get close to him with the intention of developing a relationship with him, he would try to get close at the beginning. However, whenever the relationship became quite close, he would back off and detached from the female friends. As a result, he ended up behaving in a contradictory and confusing way. All potential girlfriends of him thought he was too aloof without understanding his inner anxiety about facing the possiblity of being rejected. Within psychotherapy, it was discussed that he might have fearful attachment style in relationships.
Both preoccupied and fearful attachment styles are anxious type of attachment in relationships. People in these two types of attachment styles tended to see themselves as unworthy of love as a person. They constantly worried about being rejected or overlooked by their partners or their close friends.
For people with preoccupied attachment style, they constantly use strategies for reaching out to seek reassurance for love and attention. They frequently worried about their partners or friends did not care about him or her. In fact, they would also overreact and being oversensitive in situations in which ones felt being ignored or rejected. As a result, they would instigate fights with their partners or friends that paradoxically causing more distance in the relationships. The client of mine with preoccupied attachment style was very sensitive to others not replying her text messages promptly. It is because she tended to see this as a sign of him not caring about her or rejecting her. When she preoccupied with this possible rejection, she became very angry and threw temper towards her boyfriend without objectively interpreting the situation.
For people with fearful attachment style, they tended not to avoid relationships with others totally. In fact, they really wanted to be loved and have close relationships with others. However, due to their fear of rejection and poor self-image as unworthy of love, they behave to their partners and friends in a confusing way. When they worried that their partners or close friends are emotionally distant, they would try desperately to get the attention and approval from them. On the other hand, when their partners or close friends get close to them emotionally, they worried about being hurt by them and tended to distant from them and avoid intimacy. In fact, they are also convinced that their partners or friends are emotionally unavailable, so they tended to view their partners or friends in a negative light. This creates distance and reduces empathy towards their partners or friends.
No matter one has preoccupied or fearful attachment styles, one tends to feel unlovable in relationships. Given this, people can either exhibit high avoidance in relationships as in fearful style or more approaching tendency as in preoccupied style.
