Why do people frequently feel insecure in relationship?

It is quite frequent that we have some friends who are very insecure about their relationship. They keep worrying about being abandoned by their partners and being doubtful about partners’ love. Insecure people often overreact to their partners’ behaviors, such as reading texts or texting. They may worry about their partners betraying them and confront their partners. They also tend to think in a dichotomous way. For example, they may associate their partner’s certain common behaviors as a sign of not loving.

On the contrary, some people avoid developing intimate relationship because of their low sense of security. When they meet someone who could be a suitable partner, they would rather keep distance and refuse to develop a closer relationship. Even after they are having ambiguous relationships with the ones, they prevent relying too much on their partners emotionally, trying to stay independent in the relationships.

In psychological perspective, the issues of feeling insecure mentioned above can be explained by the Attachment Theory. In 1998, Bartholomew and Shaver characterized four attachment styles in adults, which are secure, preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant and fearful-avoidant styles. People of secure style have positive views on themselves and others. They seldom worry about partners leaving them and they do not avoid intimate relationships. People of preoccupied style may be too devoted to intimate relationships. They think negatively towards themselves but positively towards others. Therefore, they are afraid of being abandoned by partners but they do not avoid intimate relationships. People of dismissive-avoidant style think positively towards themselves but they lack confidence in others. They are not afraid of being abandoned but they resist having intimate relationship with others. People of fearful-avoidant style think negatively towards both themselves and others. They are afraid of being abandoned and they avoid intimate relationships at the same time.

Except for the secure style, all other attachment styles may lead to relationship issues with ones’ partner. For examples, preoccupied people always require their partners to prove their love towards them. It makes their partners feel suffocated in the relationships. The development of attachment styles in adults originated from the attachment styles with parents in childhood, so it is complicated to cope with the attachment problems in intimate relationships. Generally, we can start from learning how to be more aware of our emotions and thoughts. First, be introspective in our behavioral patterns related to attachment styles and try to avoid behavior, which could impair our intimate relationships. Furthermore, it is important for us to cultivate self-compassion. As all of us share common humanity, so we have both strengths and weaknesses. In fact, not only the secure people deserve love. All of us can enjoy harmonious and fruitful relationships if we can cultivate awareness, mutual respect and trust in our intimate relationships.

What are the five love languages in intimate relationship?

It is common for us to hear our friends complaining that they know their spouses love them but they just don’t feel it. Why do these people being unable to communicate their love to their partners even they know they are truly in love with them? The author of the five love languages series, Dr. Gary Chapman, explained that people in a relationship communicate love in different love languages. If a partner sent love signals by communicating in different love languages from the other party’s love languages, this miscommunication will lead to misunderstanding as an absence of love in the relationship.

According to Dr. Chapman, there are five basic love languages. The first is words of affirmation. Some people tend to use compliments, encouraging words, kind words, and/ or humble words to show their love to their partners. They may compliment their partners in front of their friends or family members. They may also write love letters with flattering words to their partners. They may appreciate their partners’ strengths and tell them about their appreciation. The second love language is quality time. By giving ones’ partners undivided attention, the partners spend time with each other together with ones’ full attention. The two partners could engage in any activities they enjoy, such as dining, travelling, or playing sports. The two partners may also engage in quality conversation, that is, a dialogue in which the two persons share their thinking, feelings and experiences in an uninterrupted context. The two persons also engage in active listening to each other’s sharing.

The third love language is giving or receiving gifts. Some people tend to show their love by giving gifts to their partners. Those gifts can be of any value, expensive or free. The gifts can also be purchased, found or made. The fourth love language is acts of service. As a signal of love, some people tend to do things that their partners want them to do. This means that they try to please their partners by serving them and doing things for them. The fifth love language is physical touch. Some people show their love towards their partners by love touches. These love touches can be explicit or implicit. Explicit touches demand the other partners’ full attention, such as kissing or foreplay in sex. Implicit touches are subtler, such as a pat on the shoulder or a slight touch on ones’ hand.

In order for couples to show love to one another, it is important to understand our own love language and our partners’ love language. By telling the other party of needs for a certain kind of love languages and by giving what our partners need in return, we can develop a loving relationship that communication of love is open and pleasurable.

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